Feeling useless in his ministry

by Feeling

My husband is pastoring his first church and I am having a hard time feeling useful. He communicates directly with all the women in the church by texting. I've asked him to please stop doing it and he even announced it at church for ladies to text me. But nothing changed.

Over our 18 years of marriage he has always struggled with pornography addiction. It has given me a very low self esteem and I struggle with knowing he's texting women in church. Even if it's just prayer requests or general information I just wonder if it could lead to something more.

He also works with ALL WOMEN and that frequently makes me jealous. He knows all their names and frequently talks about women at work. We moved here from out of state and because I homeschool our children I don't know anyone and feel very alone.


Comments for Feeling useless in his ministry

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by: Anonymous

Is he willing to stop but the church won't let him or is he just doing it no matter what?

If it is the first answer, here is what my wife and I do. I meet with another woman ONLY if it is necessity (A walk in that needs a pastor, a spiritual question to be answered quickly, etc.) my secretary always knows what is going on as well as my wife. NO CLOSED DOORS!

After that meeting, I immediately hand off to another woman I trust and will not meet again. My wife is willing to meet if need be but I am blessed with Godly women in my church that can fill that role quickly.

If I can control it (such as setting an appointment) I let it be known up front that my wife is going to meet with us or I immediately direct toward making an appointment with another lady instead. If my number is abused, I change my number, keep it secret except to two or three that NEED to know, then all calls MUST go through the office. My wife also answers my calls if I know it is a woman.

Is he not willing to listen? This is a dangerous area. Satan will use any door to tempt. He may not be doing anything but appearance is also a major part. I would have a sit down with him and talk to him. Are there other men he trusts that you do as well? If he refuses to respond, talk with them.

As friends and brothers in Christ, they will treat this as top confidentiality. YMMV on this last part but I would really pray hard.

I will pray as well.

Texting women
by: Anonymous

I will text your husband (I am a woman). He won't like what I will say, but I am not afraid to call him out. I know exactly how you feel. I knew all the right answers, but still felt the same. Gradually, I decided that if what I thought was the worst case scenario happened would I still have a victorious and fulfilled life with Jesus. The answer was Yes. I took my husband off his perfect pedestal, allowed him to be the struggling human he was. I asked God to give me His eyes to see the potential in my husband that He saw. I prayed to not live a victim's life. I prayed that he would connect with a male mentor. We now have an amazing marriage...36 years and better than ever. He must understand that there are guard rails that must be respected in all relationships. Oh and thank you for homeschooling your children!

You are loved
by: Teacher

I am a teacher in a Christian School (a ministry but not pastoral), heavily involved with church as a leader, married with 3 kids... And I am a male.

May I humbly make a few suggestions.

1. Your worth comes from Christ. Please don't feel useless. You are loved.

2. You have every right to ask your husband to stop texting women and meeting them one on one.

3. He can meet ladies in groups or have other female mentors that can meet them individually. You can have a joint email account so no written communication is hidden. Some men refuse to get into a car alone with a woman.

I have female friends that I have purposely lost contact with for my wife's sake. I have my kids reply to my female colleagues that do text me while i am driving. They can ask to play with my phone anytime. This helps everyone know that texting is safe and gives my wife peace of mind.

Also i have nothing that is serious (like prayer requests) on texts... Just things like "don't forget to bring....". Praying is very intimate. When people bare their hearts to someone they feel more close to them. It is perfectly fine to publically ask all prayer requests be sent to the joint email account... Or to a prayer request account. Then you or a female leader can be the one to reply to the women.

It's not necessarily because your husband in particular is not trustworthy, but we are all susceptible to sin and church leaders.. especially pastors.. have a big target on their backs. Satan knows if the pastor falls so will much of the church. Because of this we men have to value our relationship with Christ and our wives above the church. There is no ministry more valuble than our relationships with Christ and our wives. We have to take steps to guard our time with God and family...and ensure safe practices even if they are uncomfortable or inconvenient.

Hope that helps

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