Finding it hard to forgive
I am married to a pastor.
He tells me I am the most precious thing in his life. We have a good family, great ministry and have been together for many years.
Recently I was devastated to discover my husband had been flirtatious with other women. He claimed it meant nothing but it hurt me tremendously.
I then discovered he had been lying to me about various issues - nothing too serious, but lots of smaller issues. I suppose to be honest there were a few serious issues. Twice I caught him meeting up with women from church for counseling. Once in a bar and the second time in the church - alone.
He claims he had no feelings for these women but was just trying to do his job. We spoke about boundaries, safety guidelines - all of which he knows - but hey.
Recently we sat down and had a long heart to heart. I explained how hurt by his actions I had been. Okay he did not have an affair, was not committing adultery, but showering other women with compliments, allowing them to pour their hearts out to him and having him and them ignoring me was hurtful. I have begun to seriously dislike the women in my church as they appear flirtatious, giggly and girly around my husband. I am sick and tired of hearing how lucky I am to be married to him. I don't feel lucky.
Okay, so anyway our marriage came through the hard talk and I truly felt the Lord had restored our marriage. We were enjoying each other again - I still found it hard to trust him - but I believed that he was being honest by telling me where he would be and when etc. Slowly the building bricks of trust were being laid. Then on Sunday I overhead him saying to a woman (in front of her husband) 'Let me come with you on holiday, I'll be your bodyguard and protect that lovely body of yours.' Unbeknown to my husband I was standing right behind him. Normally after the church service I am busy with various other things and not free to wander around where he is chatting. In addition to this a woman who only comes to our church once in a blue moon - and mainly to get her kid into church school - flings her arms around my husband and he hugs her back affectionately saying into her ear how glad he is to see her and how happy he is that she came. I confess I have a very hard time even liking this woman as she and her daughters seem to think church is a laugh - once she sat near me in the service and spent the entire time sniggering and giggling at everything - even during communion. At the end of the service I was so upset by her but then right in front of me she went up to my husband and planted a big kiss on his cheek. That night we discussed at length how unhappy this made me feel and my husband seemed to appreciate my feelings, but now this. I understand you can't stop someone hugging you - but you don't have to hug them back and squeeze them and encourage it by telling them how glad you are that they came.
What I would like to know is am I being unreasonable? Am I being overly jealous? I should add that the women with the 'lovely body' is about 10 years older than my husband, but she is a very attractive, well dressed and well turned out woman.
What can I say to my husband who after apologizing to me the first time around for flirtatious comments, now gets caught still saying stupid things to women. How do I cope with my husband always feeling so sorry for these women and their tales of woe when he never feels sorry for me.
I feel so messed up.
I feel like I AM BURNT OUT and no longer want to be married to the flock!