I want to give up!!!!
by Pastor Melvin Maughmer
I am the son of a preacher man. Raised in the fear of God and desiring to follow in my father's footsteps. I served in the military, attended college, got a degree in Theological Studies, believe in the name of Jesus Christ, Baptized in His name, filled with the Holy Ghost with the evidence of speaking in tongues as the spirit gives utterance. I have severed as assistant pastor, been appointed to district elder, and even appointed to the general board within the organization in which I am affiliated with.
After having been in prayer for over a year with my wife we felt we heard God's voice with clarity and understanding and decided to step out on faith and do what thus saith the Lord.
We talked with the pastor and told him what God was telling us. With his blessing and having talked with the pastor of the church we were attending we were released and started attending this other church. When I first went to the church my intentions were to be a help to the founding aging pastor whose wife is suffering from dementia and he himself is now in his mid 80's.
After being there a year he saw fit to turn the pastorate over into my lead and I felt this is all God's plan. For a while the church really seemed to be doing well, the membership climbed from about 5 to averaging about 40. Having done many church plants with different church organizations and being on several mission trips my passion and desire was to see growth in the church, and for a while that was what was happening.
I am employed by the Federal Government and that is how I make my living, but my life is all about God. I don't depend on the church for financial support because I know they can't afford it and I just want to be the vessel God uses.
Within the past year the growth of the church has decreased and we are struggling now to maintain 10 people in the church. I feel like a failure in my own eyes (kind of like the spies that said we are grasshoppers in our own eyes). I feel like I have let God down, the Bishop that turned the church over into my leadership, and the people that I have been called into the ministry of reconciliation to bring to Christ.
So many times it seems like I have prayed and God doesn't hear me.
I preach and teach the word of God and I have on numerous occasions talked about how Jesus felt in the Garden of Gethsemane to try to encourage myself as David said. But the question that is burning down inside is how do you keep going when you just want to give up.
When you look for help from church folk that are supposed to have your back and support and you are criticized, told it's all part of the process, and you need to just pray more or why don't you just close the doors of the church.
Seriously, there comes a time when you know all things work to the good of them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose, but what about when you feel like His purpose is something other then what you are currently doing?
I want to give up not because I am tired, not because I don't want to do this anymore, not because I want to give up on God, but I feel like I have failed Him.
How do you handle feeling like a failure and trying to lead the people of God?