Losing my Faith....
Call me "Jaycee"..(not my real name)
Been pastoring youth for about 12 years now. Joined my current church a couple years ago. From the 'get go' I was like "God....why this church?" But, wanted to follow God and I knew this church was where he wanted me. The church is very 'dry' when it comes to the spirit. So much so that it's probably part of my problem. Other parts of me think about just walking away from God, the Church, everything. I have always worked regular jobs to make a living, never on church payroll. Sure I would love to be, but that has never worked out. The thought of a full time job in ministry right now... doesn't even excite me. Sometimes I feel like a 'fake' because I'm that burned out over things. Even this past Sunday as the pastor got a little emotional on stage, I'm sitting there saying to myself "I'm so done with this!"
Then I ask myself..... what would I do?? I'd be miserable... As soon as one service is over I'm thinking about the next... but when I go through the years of lessons I've done... I look at the last date used '2004, 2007, 2011, etc and think.... what new twist can I put on this sermon to make it 'fresh' again!
Working full time I have very little time to write sermons from scratch. I'll search the internet for outlines or go through my library of old stuff and roll with it. I can remember when my heart was in it. I would be looking forward to preaching because I believed I could make a difference. Now.. I feel like I'm just going through the motions... putting on my own show of passion and emotion, and by the time I'm driving home I'm asking myself... how much longer can I keep this charade up!
So tired.... so 'done' with church........ I dunno