Pastor's texts to other women

by unloved wife
(London, UK)

I discovered some very strange text messages on my husband's phone. He is the pastor of a church and he texts a man in the church who is having an affair. Earlier that day the man's wife had been on the phone for half an hour talking about the state of their marriage and saying she suspected her husband was having an affair. My husband texted her husband and said...'your wife has been on the phone, she doesn't know you have fallen in love with a very attractive woman. Don't say anything for now.'

The 'very attractive woman' also came to our church but I didn't know who she was or that she was having an affair with our church member...but my husband texted her later that day to say she and her child were very beautiful.

I then discovered another text where he was going to meet up with a woman for counseling. I do not know this woman, she is the friend of someone in our church. He did not tell me he was meeting her but when I asked about it (because of the text) he lied and said he met her with two other men from the church. However, I later found a message from him to one of the men who supposedly was with him and he was saying to him, 'She's a lovely woman, crying out for help.' He then texted the woman and said 'keep my number and call me anytime, I'm always here for you x'

Believe it or not, I was not snooping through my husband's phone. We have been in the ministry for 12 years, I never check his messages. I honestly saw the first one by accident, and then checked the messages to the woman he had met up with 'just in case...'

In the conversation he later sent to his friend about the woman he said to him, 'say hi to your most attractive and very sexy wife for me.'

When I asked him about this he said it was a joke.

Our sex life is virtually non-existent. I want to be intimate with him but there is nothing coming back from him, no conversation, warmth or care. I am emotionally ship-wrecked. I have tried to explain this to him, we have been on two marriage courses. The only way our marriage works is if I pretend that everything is okay and we carry on like business partners. If I express emotion or even dare cry he is very annoyed. He is a sulker too. He can go for days not talking to me.

Recently I discovered he has been looking at porn - but he says the three days that I caught him using it were the first time he had ever looked at it. When I challenged him he basically said 'big deal' and 'I'm not addicted.'

We only got over it with me telling him I have a tracker on his phone (which I do now) and pretending it never happened...or that it was indeed, 'no big deal.'

I am hurting.

I used to be a reasonably attractive woman myself, but in the past year I have gained 4 stone in weight...I have not been overeating or pigging out - I think its simply stress.

There is no one I can talk to. No one. Believe me.

The Lord has been very near to me but now I'm starting to feel very much on my own - I know it's just weariness and the enemy whispering lies into my ears.

My husband says he loves me, but he doesn't like me and he is sick of all my hurt and raking it all up time and time again so that every thing that he does wrong is brought under a microscope. I'm trying to just let it all go. I know I need to lose weight and start having sex more if I can persuade him to. It's just that I feel like I'm going mad. I just wish someone would put their arms around me and tell me that they're with me and they understand my pain.

I honestly am hurt - I don't think any of the comments above are appropriate for a pastor to say and it kills me that it is my husband saying them - but he sees it as nothing and says if I heard all his conversations I wouldn't like any of them. (?)

What shall I do? What shall I do?

Does anybody care?

Comments for Pastor's texts to other women

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Former Pastor's Wife
by: Anonymous

My story is almost identical to yours. I lost the weight, became an incredibly attractive woman, and even changed my hairstyle and dress to what he wanted. Sex was also all about what/when pleased him. None of this mattered. It didn't matter how attractive, intelligent, forgiving, or supportive I was as a wife, because my husband had a sexual addiction and an attraction to sin that was stronger than his love for God or for me. He cared about his career (because that's what pastoring was to him--a career).I am now divorced. Within only three weeks of our separating, I hired a private investigator and discovered he was sleeping with multiple women, some who were members of our church. He would say all of the same things your husband said, when I discovered he watched porn or went to websites he shouldn't have. He would make excuses about counseling women. He would pretend he was being held accountable by other men at the church when he actually wasn't. You don't deserve this treatment! You don't deserve to be ignored for days at a time. You don't deserve to have the one person who is suppose to make you feel safe and secure leave you feeling nervous or even emotionally bankrupt instead. We also tried counseling with multiple types and counselors/therapists/pastors. He liked to play pretend, but these people saw through that. I too began to see that what has always been "normal" to me wasn't normal and that I shouldn't just accept his behavior as being okay. It has been three years since our divorce and I can honestly say I am happy now. It was a very difficult transition. I mourned my marriage and the loss of my spouse like I would if grieving the death of a loved one. However, I have seen God carry me through this and I have seen Him open doors that I never imagined possible. My daughter and I are actually both preparing to minister to young men and women next month. We've been asked to help with a local youth group and she has asked for my help in organizing a college and career group. I will be praying for you. I certainly understand.

Texting other women
by: Anonymous

Its a sign...look at the signs..cover up for an affair or sex addiction, lust, or porn. After 50 years...found out he had long term mistresses, and emotional attachments. Check all phone records. Guilt will make him angry...sign...using church to cover his sex addiction...get angry and confront, over and over till it comes out...lose your church if you have to to wake him up..never let him counsel go.....get your facts...confront the lying pastor husband and get the truth...

It's not your fault!!
by: Anonymous

I am so tired and weary of people giving women the advice that they need to lose weight and be more sexy be more this be more of that. When a man who says he is God's, breaks the marriage covenant by even talking to another woman inappropriately it is not the wife's fault!! No matter what you have done or not done that should not cause a man to sin. Pornography has become an epidemic in the church and among pastors. I would highly recommending finding some godly men who can confront your husband about what is going on in his life before more devastation occurs.

One of the biggest warning signs that there is a major problem is when a man says it's not a big deal. Please do not take this blame on yourself your husband is sinning and it was his choice.

I would also recommend that you find some grounded godly women who can support you through this difficult time. I will be praying for you.

Some hints that can help
by: Anonymous

Firstly Ministry is never easy for the Pastor, what's more for his wife...fighting to keep the family and the marriage is very important because these are the people that are and will be always with you. Ministry is also stressful, if you are not careful it can bring that stress to a need to allow yourself to learn how to relate while you continue to do God's business... Please try the following:
1. Woman take care of yourself and your body by exercising...this will break stress.(Be attractive to your partner)
2. Once in a while take time away from ministry eg go watch spinning cars, fishing etc.
3. Do not compete in your relationship about whose wrong and whose right...marriage is not 50/50...sometimes its 20/80...that is help the weaknesses of your partner don't compete.
4. Remember we receive back what we sow in the grounds of our relationships.
5. Don't bring stress to your partner because he is stressed already.

pastors wife
by: Anonymous

I know I found text where my husband was talking explicit sexual comments to a person who claimed to be a Christian and my friend. She was responding. Apparently this been going on for awhile. Shes a older woman lives across street. He goes over an stays for hours says talking bout God an bible. Confronted both. He said was joke then he was just trying to pick her up. She said its nothing. These things he said to her an do to her should be for us only. How can he do this after he tells me I'm a gift of God. Heart has hardened. Only God can help. Gods my everything. My faith never falters in him. I to have no one my only help here passed a month ago. Please pray God will show me the way to go.

We should speakout more
by: Anonymous

It has become earthworms that is eating so deep into the lives of our men, we are suppose to trust,honor and respects them because the Bible say they are to us as Christ is to the church but i don't understand why they are making life so unbearable.My pastor husband changes women like shirt because today in this one he will be so cloused tomorrow is another, I think we should stop covering the truth let people know that this is happening, I once told his spirtual father but nothing was done this was over five years ago before then I used to attend pastors wives meetings where we all cried for help but I had to relocate and now where we are he is not pastoring because we branch is not here.

you are not alone
by: Minister J

Only if I could give you a Godly hug. You are in a spiritual battle. Porn causes a person to become insensitive to others emotionally. It is a struggle to come out porn. It causes a person to become overly sexually driven mentally. It is funny how a person who have been involved in porn wants sexual fulfillment, but only to strangers. I believe it's because of the curiosity. If a person knows how his or her partner has sex, and compares it to what he or she sees in porn, he or she rather see if the unknown woman or man can bring the heat. If that makes sense. Also, porn causes fantasy, so flirting with others keeps the fire burning within that intensify the already existing images. However, the trap...if the other woman or man catches him or her off track (with guards down), sexual sin can happen. But, on the other hand, you as the wife can pray and intercede on your husband's behalf. You can encourage your husband to seek out a spiritual father (you trust) to be a mentor.

been there...
by: Anonymous

I wouldn't be impressed by being told he's "not addicted" or by several days of renewed "romance.'

My husband was willing to be accountable, and I know he was totally delivered. Only after that continued awhile did our relationship become truly, truly close. He at first tried the "being good for a week" bit, but I insisted he see a cousellor who'd shed the same problem. My husband later died of cancer, but at least I know he loved the Lord truly by then--and me--for real.

Many men become sex-addicts today because it's everywhere. Mine confessed to me that his issues had been even worse when we were younger and I was more skinny. It isn't your attractiveness at all!

Stick to your God-given conscience and remember accountability shouldn't be objected to if he loves you...

Don't give up on him
by: Faith.

Good to know that you know God has not abandoned you. There is a purpose why God brought you to his life, to right his wrong, by standing in the gap for him, so please don't stop praying for him because you are the helpmate. Devil is waging war against His ministry by working on his weakness and he can not fight the battle alone he needs a helpmate and you are.

Keep working on yourself too as you have decided to, for you to look attractive but let go and let God.

I understand how you feel because I am a pastor's wife who has experienced such before.
You will testify in Jesus name.

God is faithful!
by: Unloved wife is loved once more

This week has been the worst and the best week of my life.

If any of you have been praying for me - thank you.

My husband and I took a drive and we talked. I told him why it hurt me that he was saying these things in texts. I told him how I felt it was dangerous and inappropriate to put kisses on texts to women. I mentioned what Dan said above...that he had crossed the line. I asked him how he would feel if I text a woman in the church saying her husband was incredibly handsome and very sexy...I could see by the look on his face that finally he got it! He agreed to stop putting kisses on texts, he agreed that what he had said was wrong. He agreed that he had not been honest with me. He agreed on a lot of things but I didn't feel he was truly sorry...just cornered!

That night I initiated intimacy between us. I have wanted to be intimate with him for the longest time but because I have been hurt and feel he is not listening to me I have not initiated anything and as he has not done so either we have been at stalemate. I decided to swallow my pride and make the first move, even though I was hurting and in deep emotional pain. Being physically close seemed to awaken my husband to the fact that he truly loved me and had hurt me deeply. I refused the temptation to withhold myself from him and the intimacy seemed to break through a barrier of coldness and indifference that had set itself up in his heart.

The next few days he repented totally of everything and was kicking himself for the foolish way he had behaved. We talked about what he had done and he shared with me how unhappy and disgusted he was with himself for viewing the porn. He says he never did it before and doesn't intend to do it again but he has asked me to put a tracker on his phone so that I can rebuild my trust in him.

He then came to realise that his words were totally out of order and he apologised to me profusely for all the hurt he had caused. It was a stupid situation in our marriage - me not meeting his needs because my needs were not met, and him not wanting to meet my needs because his needs were not met. I have discovered that physical intimacy with my husband leads to emotional intimacy with him. He is far more inclined to listen to my heart when he truly believes that I am crazy about him. And I am!

Our marriage has been revolutionised by this discovery! I feel like we are on our, better than our honeymoon!

I am grateful to the Lord for all he has done, and grateful to those on this site who commented and prayed. How wonderful is our God.

Pastors Wife in London, UK
by: Liz Levesque

Dear Wonderful Pastors Wife:

No my dear woman you are not mad at all. The reason you "feel" that your husband is being "unfaithful" is because he IS being unfaithful. Any man that even looks at porn or "thinks" about another woman has committed adultery as the Scripture says. So, what will you do now that you have confronted him? You have several options. The first option is to fulfill Matthew 18 where you find 3 men who will confront your husband with you in an effort to get him to repent of these sins. For your husband is sinning against you and if you have children with him he is sinning against them as well. Of course, he is actively betraying the trust of the congregation because they believe him to be behaving as a Godly and Righteous man of the Lord but he is not. So, he is not fulfilling his duty as a pastor either. He is also being disrespectful to you and your family. If your parents are still in this world call them and ask for help. Ask your family for help. Tell them what you know, what you have found out, tell them exactly what you told all of us. Let them know you confronted him and he denied everything. Get their help. If that is available. But, whatever you do, do not let up on your husband in these matters. Keep after him with either your family or the Board of Directors or Elders at your Church. No matter how much he denies these things don't let him get away with not being confronted by everyone possible. His life, his soul, his career, his pastorate, the congregation, your life together and your marriage all depend on your constant vigilance to get him to repent. You have my prayers. Rev. Liz Levesque (retired, Communion of Evangelical Episcopal Churches, USA)

Thank you Dan
by: Anonymous

Thank you Dan for your response. I thought I was going out of my mind! It is good to hear from another man that he has crossed the line. I don't have a lot of confidence in my own emotions as I tend to over-react and can easily become jealous. You brought much peace into my confusion.

To me, his words/actions felt like unfaithfulness - although I know there are many women who have been hurt much deeper than I have been and whose husband's have actually been physically unfaithful. I am grateful that I am dealing with this issue and not one that is much worse.

I feel a little guilty sharing on here - I have never spoken out about anything in my marriage and always loved, respected and honoured my husband. I felt that whatever problem we had should be dealt with between us and the Lord and until now that has always been the case.

I needed help desperately and your words were very wise.

Today we talked a lot and he has agreed that he will not put kisses on his text messages to women. He also said that he realises it was wrong to say that another man's wife was beautiful and sexy - and understands that this must have hurt me, but he defended himself by saying that he doesn't use words as powerfully as I do. To him they are just words without meaning (I didn't believe that, but said nothing). He agreed to a lot of things but he looks so sad and beaten down - I feel like I am bullying him to do what I need him to do.

If we cannot sort this out privately I will do as you suggest. I love my husband to the moon and back, and we used to be so close - whatever it takes to save this marriage (by God's grace) I will do.

You're Not Paranoid
by: Dan Sherman

You are not being paranoid. Your instincts are correct. Pastors are to be above reproach - which means that no one should be able to make an accusation against him that has any merit. Your husband has crossed the line.

He shouldn't be telling anyone, "Kisses." Nor should he be commenting on how beautiful or sexy women are. He is to be a one-woman man, and those words should be reserved for you.

I allow my wife to read any of my texts and emails. I showed her how to check the history on my internet browser. The only exception is when I am discipling a MAN about things he wants to keep private. Then I ask my wife to not read any texts or emails from that MAN. I make no such exceptions if I am texting or emailing a woman.

You did right by sitting down and talking to him about your concerns. But he rejected your concerns. The question now is, "What do you do next?"

If it were me, I would go speak with a pastor from a different church. And if you are in a denomination, it should be a pastor who is not in your denomination. Ideally it should be someone your husband respects.

Share your concerns. If the pastor agrees with you, ask him if he would speak to your husband. Be prepared, however, that some pastors will defend your husband. Pastors tend to defend their own. But don't give up. Find a pastor who agrees with you and is willing to confront your husband.

If you do this, your husband will get angry. However, saving your marriage and keeping your husband from having an affair is far more important than worrying about his angry response.

His response
by: invisiblewoman

my husband and I sat down to talk about these text messages and he was angry with me for looking at his phone. He said he has not looked at porn since the time I caught him and doesn't even want to look at it. He said that saying 'your most beautiful and very sexy wife' to the guy was because he was trying to encourage the guy to stay in his marriage and be satisfied with his wife. He said that saying to the mistress of the guy in our church that she and her child were beautiful was just him being friendly and trying to encourage her. He also puts kisses on all his texts to most females in our church and they kiss him on the cheek when they arrive at church. I have said I think kisses in text are inappropriate but he says he also does it to the guys, its just friendly. He also says kissing women in the church is fine, the bible says greet one another with a brotherly kiss... None of the elders, other pastors or men in the church greet me with a kiss...even the women don't but quite a few of them kiss him! Am I just being paranoid, nasty and jealous?

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