The Best and Worst Time of My Life
From the time that I was a small child I knew I was called in ministry. I saw myself telling people about Jesus and even as I grew up and into my early adult life, people would stop me to talk about their problems and ask for prayer even if we were in the grocery store of Wal-Mart.
I dreampt of attending bible college and I wanted to spend my life in the church so I could be available to the people and serve others.
I learned to lead worship and excelled in that ministry office and truly music has been my entire heart. I did finally get the opportunity to begin the process of bible college and am now entering seminary. Here is where the BUT begins.....
My husband and I made the transition from worship leaders to pastors a year and a half ago. It has always been my hearts desire to serve the body of Christ in that capacity. I saw myself giving my entire life to this service. Our hearts have hurt with people, for people, about people. We've wanted to help everyone and anyone anyway necessary. Financially, our church isn't able to carry the load. We have a Senior Pastor and two associate pastors. All three of us have to work outside the church to make ends meet. We have no time for anything outside of work and ministry and it's like working two full time jobs.
For me personally, In my perfect ministry world, I thought that people would accept my ordination and support the call that I was to step into. I thought that I would have a mentor to lean on and receive constructive criticism from. I thought it would be different.
The best part of the entire opportunity is that I still love Jesus and still want to serve the people. The worst part of the opportunity is that I feel so ill equipped and unsure if it really even matters. There are no words of encouragement, not many ears to listen if I feel discouraged, very little monetary assistance and a body that is so tired, it barely wants to move. I am finding myself dry dry dry like the desert yet I'm in the word.
The battle has become bigger than me. I know what the word tells me and I believe it, but my flesh is waring against the weariness of not a lot of reception or care. My heart aches and is wounded from the shallow reception and I am lost in praying to no end with very little proof of answer.
I think for the first time in my life I am stumped... The best news I do tell myself is that Jesus' life here in the world was also a battle. He never gave up even when He cried out to God to take the cup from His hands. So I continue to hang on but I just don't know how much longer... it waxes and weighs..... One day is good, the next is terrible.... Desperate and seeking.
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