There is Proof of God in my Sexual Shame.
by Fellow Christian
I generally don't need proof of God's existence.
My faith is strong, I don't need to pick apart the bible to find proof of his existence, I don't need to try and work out - would be references - to the gospel in the old testament. I don't need to dig up the remains of the Noah's ark or the Exodus. I don't need people to prove it to me or for I to prove it to them. My God is with me and I know it. Like I know the wind is around me that I breath.
That said, In my darkest moments I question it, Even though there are times it's unquestionable, even though I know, It pops up and evil tries to build on it.
But I struggle as all do, and my struggle is the same as many others, it's sex. I can be weak for it and all that is above is under threat from it.
I am married and monogamous. My wife is a gift from God. My mind is tempted though, I would never cheat, I physically couldn't. The fantasy and the reality are completely different. but as it's written in the Gospel, It's a sin.
Matthew, 5.28 "But I am saying to you, everyone who looks at a woman so as to lust for her, immediately commits adultery with her in his heart."
I indulge in fantasies and porn and I'm weak for it. The more I do it the more I crave it, the weaker I am the the more extreme the fantasies. This is what leads me to the dark moments where I question God.
I feel a great shame afterwards, the temptation is gone, the desire extinguished and I'm just left with shame and loneliness but I have realized something in all this.
Though in these moments I might question God, without God they make no sense. I have in fact been sexual-awakened most of my life from a very early age. Sex was not something talked about in my family (Atheist) nor at school (which was christian) but I devolved it purely independently. It was not something I understood until I was older.
The constant though, was the shame. The most puzzling thing of all was the shame. I felt these desires but I felt shame for them. From an evolutionary point of view, without God, there is no need for shame, if anything the opposite, great gratification because the purpose of evolutionary life is to 1.) Survive 2.) procreate. and there have been millions of years for the sexual mechanisms to develop.
So if sex is the main objective then my body shouldn't make me feel bad for wanting or having it, if anything it should reward me as much as possible. In theory my instincts should be to satisfy my sexual mechanisms, I should be having sex with as many women as possible, I should be having sex with men just to satisfy my bodily function, indulging in ever fetish and activity that comes my way to height my sexual activity and increase chance for procreation, the whole human race should be, the world should be rife with orgy. But it's not and we don't, I don't, I would never, and we all feel shame. Shame like dirt that for all our effort wont wash away.
So why? If the human machine is broken so that we don't feel good for our sex than we would at least just feel nothing for it, not full on repulsion for it.
In the same way as I didn't know what my desires were until I grew up I didn't know what my shame was until I found God. My shame is loneliness as I move away from God, It is the utter horror of breaking away from him through sin. To reject creation and his purpose. To sin against God, my wife and all man-kind. If there was no God it wouldn't pain me to push him away, but it always has.
I know I can overcome my temptation, I have done it before and I can do it again, It only takes work and time, It maybe the hardest thing I have done to date.
Love to you all and people respond with any thoughts. This is a safe place.