What do i do?

Before you condemn me please listen. I have a BA in Theology and doing my Masters. I have been in ministry for over 20 yrs. However for 5 of the years I have been under the tutorship of my pastor. With his guidance I have been exposed to all areas of ministry. Youth, counselor, children's church, funeral, christening etc.

But here is where there is a problem. I am currently in a relationship with my pastor. Yes he is married and I am a divorcee for ALMOST 28 years now. My ex-husband was abusive. To be honest I am not sure when it began and though it is not frequent we have engaged in kissing and a few intimacy.

We share gifts and from time to time. I have driven his vehicle when there are missionaries and the church needs an extra hand. I have also traveled with him from state to state for speaking engagements and his wife is aware. His wife has given me that high level of respect and I do respect him and his family, and though his wife and I share a close friendship... this is not something I would want to be exposed.

What can I do?

Comments for What do i do?

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what do i do
by: Anonymous

Just a few comments for my sister. I have no right to judge anyone since each of us has our own shortcomings; but do remember that you are a royal priesthood.

We do remember that even as we are called to live holy we are also living in a real world where these situation exist. There may be issues that each person need to work on and being close to your pastor would definitely make you vulnerable.

Try speaking to him and sharing how you feel and also based on what is happening its best if both of you look at other ways and methods of mentorship.

Confront the issue and someone need to be strong to make that decision to pull away.
i speak from the same vantage point and now we are goods friends ...just that we know the boundaries.

A few additional thoughts
by: Kelly

Dear Friends:

In my first reply, I fear I wrote in a spirit of anger, and I was angry after I read this story. If I came across too harshly, then please forgive me. When I hear of situations such as this, where a pastor is clearly crossing the line emotionally and physically with someone he is supposed to be mentoring, well, I get upset. I realize I should not judge others, for I am a man subject to temptation like anyone else. However, I have made a lifelong habit of keeping a safe distance emotionally and physically with women I counsel or minister to in some way. I never counsel women alone, I am never alone with any woman other than my wife, and I always urge my fellow pastors to build these safeguards into their lives.

God calls us as pastors to encourage the flock, not have affairs with women entrusted to our care. And to the woman who is in this situation, again I urge you to distance yourself from the pastor before your ministerial career is ruined. I pray you do this before it is too late.



Intimacy with married pastor is wrong
by: Anonymous

As Kelly already pointed out - this is a very bad situation and you know you have to get out of it. It will be difficult and there will be consequences, but the consequences will be much worse if you remain in the situation and it escalates to a full-blown affair.

From what you have written, it sounds like so far you and your pastor-mentor-boss have not had sexual relations. That's good, but you know that the kissing and other "intimacies" are wrong - sins against God, the pastor's marriage covenant to his wife, and really to the entire community.

And who knows - by God's grace, that by your repentance and drawing the line in this situation - it could be the catalyst that brings repentance and healing and help for all involved. Follow the Matthew 18 pattern of handling this, it is such a great breach (on the part of the pastor) that those above him in ministry need to know. His wife needs to know so that there is a chance their marriage could get the help it needs.

Please, dear child of God, do not tread on the precious blood of Jesus - take this situation to Him and get it all right. He can help. He can forgive. He can rebuild your life anew in Him.

Get out of this sleazy situation
by: Kelly

Dear friend, thanks for sharing from your heart. You are reaching out and asking what you should do, so allow me to give you some biblical, practical, and fatherly advice.

First, you are in a terrible situation for which there is no justification. The man with whom you are committing adultery is no man of God. He is a predator and has no business being a shepherd of a congregation. He is what Jesus referred to as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I’d bet the farm he has done this with other victims. Let me guess; he’s promised he will eventually leave his wife for you, but he can’t right now. He has probably also said you are the first person he has ever done anything like this with. Uh huh, right. This is how predators operate. You are being manipulated, controlled, and used, which is why you feel so badly. I have been in ministry for 30 years and such behavior would have gotten me immediately fired at any church where I have served.

Secondly, get out. Run. Put as much distance between you and the "pastor" as possible. Not that he will let you go. Expect him to pursue and harass you once you try to break free. It’s what predators do. If you really want to be rid of him, then be prepared to take a strong, hard, and drastic stand. A protective order against him may be in your future. Waiting tables or flipping hamburgers would be far nobler than what you are doing. And let’s face it; this affair is sleazy, tawdry, and wrong at multiple levels. Your entire life at this moment is a lie. The only way to get out is to take a stand and do the right thing.

Thirdly, once you break free, report him to the council of elders, deacons, or whoever is in charge. Chances are they won’t do anything about it expect cover it up. If that happens, go to the Bishop or governing body of your denomination. They will hopefully deal with him.

You have the opportunity for a fresh start. Seek God’s forgiveness, and then go forward. God can still use you, but if you remain where you are, you will become so damaged by all this that you may end up squandering your God given gifts.

Don’t delay; get out. Best wishes.


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