Wife neglects, rejects all forms of any kind of intimacy..

by Franko
(Washington DC)

My wife neglects me on a daily basis. I have fasted & prayed, talked with her, expressed my need for attention from her, pleaded with her to get counseling-told her I would go with her, I've been patient-loving-caring in spite of. But Im fighting resentment towards my wife, bitterness, anger & rage towards her along with battling the thoughts of seeking fulfilment outside of my marriage. I'm enjoying the advancements of other women along with the flirting of other women. I'm fighting for my spiritual integrity right now, but many times I dont want to fight. I just want companionship from the opposite sex. One of the main reasons I got married was for the companionship of a woman. I feel like I'm living with the enemy. I publicly profess & express my love, commitment, faithfulness to my wife whereas I am an example to many men in my congregation and outside of my congregation. But none of them know about our lack of a sex life. Its like I'm a public success but a private failure. I have been tempted in the area of pornagraphy as well. I am in the fight of my life and I feel as though the only one who can help me is against me.

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Dear Brother
by: Tom

To my dear loving husband brother in Christ. I feel your pain. It is excruciatingly difficult to resist craving as well as anger & bitterness. I've been in a celibate marriage for about the same amount of time. At some point, blame becomes a mute point. There is blame enough for everyone. Like Job, we can even blame God ... and I for one have and probably will slip into it again. What is profoundly amazing is the amount of grace that keeps coming back and through all the spiritual "boils" that come to the surface. All I can say is that as we soldier through this pain, if we do not utterly abandon the process, we can and will get a clearer view of God. And maybe, just maybe, that's the purpose behind the "momentary light affliction." I have no definitive answers for you brother ... just a hand of companionship to endure and learn.

God made us all
by: Anonymous

A change in the basic attitude of men towards women would solve many problems. Before a man gets married, he should strive to love women in general as he loves himself, be empathic and compassionate to all women. Purge all belief of the inferiority and the basic sinfulness of women. Temper feelings of entitlement to get sex from women.

When a man comes into a marriage with false beliefs, no matter how deeply buried, they will be exposed by word and deed just like some of the men posting been. What person can be intimate with someone they cannot trust and who thinks them inherently flawed human beings.

We are different however, we are exactly as God made us. Most women know that men are not superior, it is too obvious that they are as flawed as we are.

Even as flawed beings, men and women can love and trust each other. Men can enjoy the intimacy they crave with the woman they pick for wife. But only when he loves from the core and is willing to give as much as he gets. Hopefully, some of the this will fall on fertile ground.

You can reject what I say as feminist evil but, let he who can hear, hear.

God's love of all souls he created
by: Maria

A change in the basic attitude of men towards women would solve many problems. Before a man gets married, he should strive to love women in general as he loves himself, be empathic and compassionate to all women. Purge all belief of the inferiority and the basic sinfulness of women. Temper feelings of entitlement to get sex from women.

When a man comes into a marriage with false beliefs, no matter how deeply buried, they will be exposed by word and deed just like some of the men posting been. What person can be intimate with someone they cannot trust and who thinks them inherently flawed human beings.

We are different however, we are exactly as God made us. Most women know that men are not superior, it is too obvious that they are as flawed as we are.

Even as flawed beings, men and women can love and trust each other. Men can enjoy the intimacy they crave with the woman they pick for wife. But only when he loves from the core and is willing to give as much as he gets. Hopefully, some of the this will fall on fertile ground.

You can reject what I say as feminist evil but, let he who can hear, hear.

For Brent from Indiana
by: Kelly

**From the Editor: Brent from Indiana posted a related story in our Burnout Stories section of this site. Kelly wrote him a response. I thought it best to post that response here.**

Dear Brent:

Your situation is not uncommon, and I have dealt with the same thing in my 35 year marriage with my wife. We too have had ups and downs in terms of frequency of intimacy. Childbirth and the exhausting demands of raising children wreaks havoc with a woman’s hormones and emotions. She may be too emotionally and physically exhausted to meet your needs right now. I’ve been through it, and I always waited it out and she eventually got back to normal in terms of being with me. So, give it time.

Having said that, what you are doing with porn and chatting with women is extremely destructive on all fronts. This behavior damages your marriage, your outlook, witness, walk with God, and your ministry. Lack of intimacy in your marriage is no excuse or license to resort to pornography and adultery like a pagan who doesn’t know better. Furthermore, if you are thinking God is giving you permission to abandon your marriage because she has lost her sex drive, think again; God will never give you permission to leave your wife on such grounds.

There is also that troublesome matter of a vow you made before God and a church full of witnesses – something about "sickness and in health, better or worse, richer or poorer, until death do you part." You are married, so you made that vow, right? Yes, I thought so. If your wife had cancer or some other debilitating disease and could no longer be intimate with you, might God give you a free pass and tell you it’s okay to abandon the wife of your youth? The answer is, never! The hard truth is, you are in this for the long haul, and the God you and I worship is allowing you to be tested right now. Do I seem harsh? Yes, I am, but I am trying to save you from a road to perdition (even though I don’t know you).

So, what should you do? Try seeking a closeness to God unlike anything you have ever experienced. Let this testing, this spiritual wilderness, make you into the servant and man God seeks to mold you in to. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Then, try being a servant to your wife. Let her know you love her, care for her, and nothing in this world will ever change that. Treat her like a queen, for she is God’s gift to you. Rise up early once a week and cook her breakfast. Buy her flowers, write her love notes, tell her she is beautiful and wonderful, sit and listen while she speaks (if she’s willing), and be the best father to your kids you can possibly be.

You must win her back. I am passionate about this because I have about 25 years on you and I am in it right now. My wife miraculously survived stage 4 cancer five years ago that left her a shell of her former self. Intimacy has been nearly non-existent for us these last five years. It’s the most frustrating thing I have experienced in my life, so I know how you feel. But I decided to trust God and let Him mold me into the man He wants me to become. It’s a painful process, but wow am I growing spiritually. You can too.

BTW, I am a bi-vocational pastor, so I do understand your struggles. I will pray for you. Take this to heart. Everything you have depends on it.

Peace,

Kelly

25 years of rejection
by: Anonymous

I've lived with my wife that has rejected me for 26 years - emotionally and sexually. After the first 15 years, I finally began to say hurtful things. It was totally out of frustration. I've prayed and prayed. After hurting her through words, I finally realized that we needed to go to counseling. We've gone through 4 different counseling ministries over the past 5 years. Nothing has worked. I repented of my hurtful words and reactions (from frustration) about 3 years ago and have really made efforts to do whatever leads to peace and love with my wife. She continues to have nothing but hate and bitterness toward me. She will not do anything with me. I have totally sought reconciliation and she wants nothing to do with it. I am at my wits end. I am about to find a lawyer to start divorce. There is just no willingness on her part to want to be married. At this point, I believe that it is a form of abuse on her part toward me. I really doubt that she is truly a child of God. She has always had a problem with me leading in any way. She is so hateful toward me that it angers her for me to even have a different opinion on a subject matter from hers. I continue to have a family devotional with my 2, at home, remaining kids, and she will not join us. We now attend different churches because she didn't even want me to put my arm around her in church. She is very involved in her church but maintains extreme hate toward me at home. After considering "malicious desertion" (1 Cor. 7:15-16), I believe that I could proceed to divorce and not be guilty before God, should I remarry. God knows my heart and how I have repented and tried everything to reconcile and save the marriage. Nothing is working.

Wife neglects, rejects all form of intimacy
by: Anonymous

Wow! As a woman i lift my hats to all you men who have been going through this situation. A couple of my own colleagues who are also pastor like myself has shared the same details with me.
Members of different congregation that i have ministered share their story as well.
Let me see if i can attempt to answer.
a) For the person who speaks about his wife coming from a background where her mother wears the pants..u need to pray and break the spirit of matriachial control..
b) Gentlemen ...men of God u have to fight for your marriages. Bring repentance on behalf of your spouses
Pray against the spirit of rejection, abandonment, unloving spirit..break it from the roots ....soul ties...
There might be things that are affecting your relationship even from the initial stage of marriage or from your wives childhood...Ask God to reveal them to you so that you can deal with them
Keep praying

Feel rejected by wife
by: John

I love my wife even though she frowns at me when I smile at her. It is as if she can't stand my joy in Christ. She is mostly unhappy and complaining about something that I didn't do. She gets mad at me that I take her away from her friends she had plans with just to join me for breakfast.

I think about starting my life over but my love for my wife keeps me from leaving.

I feel I am under contract with God, not just my wife.

I pray God give me clarity with my loveless marriage. All I can think is that Jesus endured death, surely I can endure a life of loneliness while my wife comes around (I hope).

My prayers are with all of you as well as with me.

Praise God for the joy we can still have in Jesus.

God's ranking order
by: Anonymous

We've been married for five years now and I've been rejected for the last three years. Our problem is that she comes from a home where her mother wears the pants in the house and her father is too passive to take up his position in the house. I believe in God's Word. I believe that I have to be the priest in our home. It is my duty to see to it that my family is taken care of, physically and spiritually. My wife cannot make peace with the Bible telling her to be submissive to her husband. She's not unique in that respect. Many wives out there wants to rule over their husbands. "It is a post modern world after all". I feel that I'm only a paycheck, not really welcome in my own home...

Focus
by: Blackstone

My wife of fourteen years left me last August. She neglected me for eight years while I took care of her and our children. She has a disease which requires help and support from me and I gave everything for her and our children. I even went so far as to be sleep deprived for the last six years of our life together trying to balance work, children and her second problem. She is addicted to alcohol. Years of neglect finally came to resentment. She hated me and that's the booze talking. She made friends with other bitter alcoholics and planned to leave me taking the children for financial support. She lies and has engaged in extra marital affairs.Neglect is always rooted in childhood trauma. We are not getting back together but unlike her mistakes I am staying loyal to Jesus, our vows and her for my children's sake. I forgive her. She is my wife and we both made mistakes. What I learned was that she has mental illness. How can you not find pity for your beloved when you can see and they are blind? Life is short. Heaven is real... trust me, I know. These problems amount to nothing in the end but what does matter... read your Bible, Love and FORGIVE! I love you all. Stay close to Christ, the rest will work itself out. Trust me. Peace.

At wits end. .
by: Anonymous

I read your comments and realize there are so many people in the same situation as me.
I'm 30, been married for 7 years and have 2 kids. After the birth of my second, my wife withdrew and There is no physical contact at all, she became abusive and I have become a stranger in my own house. I try to still do everything I can, but I don't know how much longer I can live like this. My evenings are spent alone as she disappears into her own room.. This has also given access for the temptation of pornography, which I am fighting hard but it is a monster that eats at the souls of rejected men...
I pray every day that a change would come.. I'm at the verge of giving up.

Ditto
by: David Gomez

As I sit here and read all the different comments I can't help but think to myself and say, "I'm not alone." My heart breaks for all of you and at the same time I feel a sense of belonging, to a group of people who Love their spouses with all their hearts and yet get nothing but a cold response most of the time. I have expressed to my spouse over and over again that I desire attention, affection and her love for me more than sex. But its like talking to the wall. And when she does give me some attention it's short lived. All these years I thought I was alone. Please pray for me, for I to suffer from a spouse that focuses on everything except me.

WISH I HAD A WIFE !
by: Anonymous

I am going through a silimar situation. cant get my wife to focus on me . She's from the Philippines and seems to only focus on her family . I'm like the visiting friend instead of the hubby. I PRAY, I CRY . I too struggle with attraction from other women who hit up on me everyday but I try and keep them far away ! LORD HELP US who will deliver us from this .

Seems LIKE I"M married but not married . At least KING DAVID was allowed a COUBINE . I have struggle with Bathseba but never gave in fully . I too struggle with temptation. I too do ministry and have to maintain my integrity but what about my need to be LOVED ! PTR RG

Response to Root Cause
by: Frank

Brother,

I just want to thank you for your words. You have ministered to my wife and me using God's word. We both have read your post and we both receive the words that you have spoken to us. And thanks to all the others as well for your encouragement and your prayers.

My wife and are doing 1000% better in that area. She has made up her mind to be more committed to her role as a godly wife.

Again thank you all for praying for us. We are now leading a group of married couples through a 6 week series called The Art of Marriage. To god be all the glory............Frank

Root Cause
by: Anonymous

Perhaps I am not as mature... perhaps I see things differently. I have always been perplexed by those who hear of broken marriages and abandonment with it is something that the one hurt is doing wrong.

Paul warns us that if we can't be as him, then be married. I do not believe he meant so we could pay bills, or go the next PTA meeting. His direction was because there is a physical need that is part of marriage. It is also why we are to "forsake each other not except for a short time for prayer".

It is also why "a wife's body is not her own".

I could go on and on and on. Fact of the matter is, this is a delicate subject that most men would not want to upset their wives with so it is danced around with acute attention to being PC.

First know that your wife is living in sin. She neither understands one of the purposes of marriage nor the foundation of the creation of woman.

Your desires for your wife are God given. They are by design. Her rejection is not. It does not matter if it is an encounter with your wife once a day, once a week, or once a month. It is based on what is needed to keep YOU pure from thoughts towards others that would be offensive to God.

I would caution you, my brother, that two sins do not make it right. Fight the temptations with all you have. Keeping it real, I know it is hard. We live in a world where Satan has a full arsenal at his disposal.

Fight for your marriage. Fight to educate yourself and your wife on each of your 'duties' to each other. I don't believe there are any scriptures that say fulfill your husband/wife's needs after you feel fulfilled. IT IS ALL ABOUT KEEPING EACH OTHER PURE BEFORE GOD. Whatever that takes! IMO, anything less is a rejection of scripture.

In the end, you have to think of the eternal. What is making you fall away from God? What is drawing you near? God is not going to ask you "Were you happy in marriage and did you stay married?" I believe He will look at our works for Him and judge us good and faithful or workers of iniquity.

What direction in life leads you to faithful servant and what leads you to a worker of inequity?

Hope
by: Anonymous

With God there is always hope. My spouse & I sought counseling. God has been at work in my spouses life, and mine too. He is now back on track reading God's word, and keeping his life on track with God. Porn can really mess a persons head up. Why don't you open up to your friends about your wife so they can be praying for the two of you? Hang in there. No matter how bad it seems there is always hope with God. Remember to always do what's right, and "run" from temptation! Don't be afraid to tell your wife of your temptations. King David kept his secret sin of lust for Bethsheba to himself. I always wondered if he had told his wifes of his temptation of Bethsheba if things wouldn't have been different for him. To tell your wife of your temptations it will help you by exposing satan's ploy to destroy your marriage. God doesn't want your marriage to be destroyed. You might find out in talking with your wife that she is struggling with temptation too. Just remember when your at witts end...your redeemer is on the way!!

In the same boat
by: Anonymous

Greetings dear brother in the Lord. My spouse has only given me sex three times in nine years so I know what you feel. I ask my spouse why, and my spouse doesn't know why. I have personally struggled with temptation too, but when I think of my Lord I don't want to hurt him. So I have chosen to abide in Christ, and deny my own needs for the love of my Lord. It is not fair at all, but if we can abide til the end our reward will be in heaven. We will meet our Lord as a pure bride unblemished by the sin of this world. Ask God to put your sexual desires to sleep right now. God formed our bodies, and is quite capable of putting our sexual craving to sleep until our spouses get help. Just continue to abide in Christ. God can see you through this. Do what's right no matter what your flesh feels.

Same situation but I'm a female
by: Anonymous

I found out after I was married that my husband had a secret addiction to pornography. His childhood was a mess with siblings sexually abusing each other. My husband can quote the Bible like a scholar. My husband married me in his 30's, and I think he masturbated so much before he met me that he likes his own hand better than me. I even found out he masturbated to my daughters picture. Talk about a heartache, and a slap in the face to me. In 8 years we had sex 2 times. I don't think that is normal for a guy. The one thing I have held onto as I get very lonely, and desire intimacy is that I can't change him. Only God can change him. I fall into those same temptations, but more than anything I don't want to hurt my Lord. I have died to self. I always try to remember how much Christ suffered. There is no talking to my husband as he just screams all the time. I know I will probably die on this earth without the love I longed for from my spouse, but when I meet my true husband in heaven "Jesus" I want to be pure before him. I try to think about Jesus wrapping his arms around me, and just holding me. I can say one thing for sure I know. Pornography destroys lives. Would you want to be watching porn if Jesus returned? Of course you wouldn't. The Bible says flee from temptation. That means run as far away from it as you can get. If you let your mind play with the thoughts to go to a website or book store for porn, the devil loves it. Men "please" run from temptation. If a woman is tempting you. Stay away from her. Although, this hurts what we are going through. Always remember that if you can't change the situation that you are suffering for Christ. God understands your hurt. Cry out to Jesus, and he will comfort you. He will help you to abide in him even in your darkest hour.

I've been where you are
by: Anonymous

Reading your post is like reading an old chapter of my life. Exact to every sentence. My advice is that you need to ask the Lord and the Holy Spirit for guidance. I'm pretty sure your wife wasnt always like this. Neither was mine. When we first got married, although I was already in ministry I really was not displaying the "fruits of the spirit". I really hurt my wife in those early years, mentally and emotionally. In those days, again becuase of my immaturity, I was verbally abusive. My behavior caused wounds so deep in my wife that it got to the point that she did not respect and did not want to have sex with me. Although i asked her for forgiverness and at times she verbally said yes, she had not forgiven me from her heart. The Bible teaches us "Not to let the sun go down on our anger" Why? Because if we do, we give satan an entry point. He defintely entered my wife's heart and for years, she herself became verbally abusive with me and never wanted to have sex.

Your anger and bitterness is because she wont full-fill the desire that you have as a man. And yes other women will get your motor going now, because your not getting that from your wife. Thoughts of pornography, that's the Man in you again, wanting to fulfill a desire that God designed for your wife to give you...That's why Paul told us in Corinthians "Not to deny ourselves to each other for a long period of time"...

Me and my wife ended up in divorce court,,,and at the end God had the Final say, he dealt with her, she was able to forgive me for stuff that happened "years" ago and I withdrew my divorce",,,But SHE HAD TO FORGIVE. Women are emotional beings,,,they cant make love to you if their emotions are messed up with past baggage....find out what's the baggage ,,,whether you caused it intentionally or not...

By the way,,,,I fell into pornography and adultery,,,,it only gratifies you but for a moment,,,then you feel worse than before,,,you feel estranged from the Lord, and the devil actually develops a stronghold in your mind....If anything, he will bombard you with thought's of other women and porn now more then ever. He knows you're vulnerable. You're not getting what God designed marriage for. But that doesn't get beneath the surface of things. If she really had abandoned you sexually like my wife did,,,,she needs some sort of spiritual healing.....hopefully she will realize it in less drastic terms than my wife did.

There is hope
by: Alan

I admit I was in a similar place. As it turned out, I was missing the reality of the situation. As a pastor I am sure you have probably heard of the 5 love languages book. Find out what her love language is and work really hard at filling her love tank. Most often it is opposite of what yours is and will really make you think and work hard.

On the other side, if you are struggling with pornography, you have to tell her before she finds out. The hiding it from her (as well as other things) builds a wall between you and her and no matter how hard you try, you can't cross it until you take it down. Only you can take it down. She can't. I say this from experience.

Like I said I was in your shoes and I really struggled with both of these and finally after I left ministry I realized how much I was missing and how much I really wasn't loving her. I was showing her that my love for the church was far greater than my love for her. You can't control her, you can only control yourself. If you change what you are doing and thinking, she will change. She loves you.

Mutual Service
by: ChristianMarine

Brother,
How are you currently leading her toward Jesus? If she is withdrawn, she may be protecting herself from something. Without knowing either of you, it's hard to say, but were I in your shoes, I'd start by asking her if she wants your marriage to succeed, and where she sees it going in the future. If she doesn't emphatically say yes, then we've got deeper issues. If she says that yes, she is invested in your future, then begin seeking ways to meet her needs, without seeking anything in return. Once she feels that you are investing in your marriage by serving her, she may do the same. Good luck and God bless.

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